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March 22nd 2009
Some time ago I received a letter from a friend of mine. He wrote: I’m not sure where they are coming from, but I’ve been having increasing inner anxiety and negative thoughts about myself since I entered mid-life.
When I was a boy, my dad called me stupid or blockhead more times than I can count. He seemed think that if he persistently pushed me down, that I would have to get stronger to rise above it. As a boy, I always felt like I was dumb and that I would never be a success in life. Then as a younger man, I was able to repress by my feelings by placing my father’s hurtful comments on a back shelf.
But they’ve come back to me lately. My dad died a few years back from a heart attack (he was only seventy-two) and I have a nagging feeling that it’s going to happen to me. I’ve told my wife to prepare herself for my early demise. But even if I happen to live on, and even though I’m doing fairly well in business, I’m having trouble enjoying my life because of self doubts. Maybe I am stupid and it’s all going to cave in on me soon. Maybe it’s just been luck that I’ve made it this far and I’m headed for a big reversal. Can you advise me on how to prepare myself for this anticipated failure that is nagging at me?
Just this weekend I watched the movie about the life of Johnny Cash, “Walk the Line”. His story reminded me of the letter from my friend.
As a boy, Johnny coloured outside the lines, while his older brother Jack was the perfect child. Jack was studying to be a preacher and so he felt that he’d better walk the line.
One day, after working side-by-side with his brother at their father’s sawmill. Johnny decided to quit early and go fishing. He left Jack to finish the work alone.
When he returned from the fishing hole and arrived home, he was surprised to find the family gathered around Jack’s badly bleeding body. He was dying from being severely cut by the trim saw.
Mr. Cash was distraught, and as his favourite son died, he cried out to God, “God why? Why did you take the good one?”
When ten year old Johnny heard those words, it was if his dad had stabbed his heart with a long sword. The boy knew his father wished he were dead instead of his brother.
Again and again over the years that followed, as Johnny Cash’s career rose to a peak, and fell again because of his addictions, he longed for his dad to simply say, “I love you son. I’m proud of you!” But he never did. There was a hole in Johnny’s heart that he could not fill as long as he lived.
I ached inside as I read my friend’s letter, and then I wrote him back. Over the next couple of weeks I’ll share the words of counsel I gave to him regarding the power of the words we say about ourselves.
- Barry Buzza
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